Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Myth of "Till Death Do Us Part" When it Comes to Carnal Relations

Yet another mature online dater has taken offense to my honesty about being more interested in women who are a decade or more younger than I am.  Sigh...  Here's my reply to her:
Well, J., you asked...

"Till death do us part" is a common wedding vow, a contractual obligation, if you will.  Our modern society (a new invention of ours, a mere 9,000 years out of our species' 5,400,000,000+ years of evolution) came up with the idealized notion of marriage (two people living in a single-family dwelling) only once it became possible to sustain that ideal (i.e. having the security of a permanent settlement to build and maintain single family dwellings over a lifetime -- started with a wine producing community in Jordan about 7000 BC).  Until that happened we lived in nomadic tribes in which the kids were raised by the entire community and the relationships were serially monogamous (more or less), lasting for several years before a 'switch-up' took place between the men and women of one or more local tribes (the kids didn't mind as both mom and dad were still around the campfire every night). 

What this new invention, 'marriage', created was security and permanence for both wife and husband -- a guarantee that the society would keep pressure on everyone to follow the rules and try to sustain these contracts.  These early 'rules' and the permanency of the settlements led to laws and governance and future security for children beyond the lifetime of the parents, so it seemed like a great deal for the whole species, and we've stuck with the notion all these millennia. 

The unwritten part of the contract between a man and woman is that we'll enter into it during our healthy child-bearing/rearing years (18-28 for women, based upon ova release, 18-48+ for men, based upon health, testosterone-production, strength, mental acuity and power-brokering) and we will stay together despite our appearances changing over the decades.  As men are more visual and tactile in their sexual predilections (a hard-wired, genetically laid-down behavioural thing), while women tend to be more flexible in what attracts them to a man (again, the ability to provide and protect through to the teenage years being very important to child rearing), men tend to have a smaller 'age window' in which females are 'ideally' attractive.

A transformation (physically, literally) takes place in both women's and men's brains during pregnancy and the first year of child-bearing due to hormone and pheromone release.  Mothers become so extraordinarily bonded to their babies, especially through oxytocin release during breastfeeding, that men and sex, while pleasant at times, go 'out of focus'.  Due to both the societal contract, equity and brain changes due to pheromones, however, the husbands tend to stick around, waiting hopefully for the return of sex with their wives.  For many women, the drive to have another baby is such that they return to being sexually active when breast feeding becomes routine or stops.  (Recent studies have proven that women's interest in sex diminishes over time in any relationship, but returns in a new relationship.)

So these husbands, who love their wives and children, continue to have sex almost exclusively with their wives throughout the physical transformations that happen as their wives age, despite the fact that the men often remain less changed/aged.  In effect, they 'become accustomed' to the changes and, of course, continue to love and feel bonded to their wives.  These dads become so 'acclimatized' to the changes that, once divorced, they will have sex with similarly aged women with some enthusiasm (although very few men ever lose their genetically programmed primary interest in females who are in their ova-producing prime, 18-28, which is evidenced by the exact same 18-28 year old career-peak period for female porn stars). 

[Note: There's another 'unwritten' fallacy floating around in the realm of mature couples that it is the failing of men's lack of emotional maturity that causes erectile dysfunction and that medications like Cialis/Viagra "fix" this problem.  Another closely related fallacy is that husbands who watch pornography featuring 18-28 year old women are 'cheating' on their mature wives, evidencing proof of a 'willingness to be unfaithful.'  This would mean that reading 'mommy porn' like "50 Shades of Grey" is evidence of the same thing in their wives, which women ironically, but adamantly, disagree with.  These fallacies do not take the elephant in the room into account, but we men continue to smile, make self-deprecating jokes, and watch porn in secret -- which turns out to be beneficial to the wives who still want sex as it often stimulates us to the point that we want to have real life sex with our wives!]

I've never had kids with a woman I love.  I wanted to, but with my ex there were serious issues of both emotional stability and 'plumbing problems' precluding natural inception.  The last time I had sex with a woman I was in love with, she was 32.  Had we stayed together, I'd have loved her and continued to have sex with her exclusively 'till death did us part', but that wasn't possible (I continue to love her and still find her VERY sexually attractive at 38 despite her recent in-vitro induced pregnancy/child-bearing with her new husband).  So while my 50 year old buddies are keen to have relations with women their own age, I am not as keen, and forays into this age group have demonstrated that, while I can service the ladies to the point they climax (repeatedly ;-), there's an extension of mine that does not 'perform' with them. 

The thing that I believe women of any age, any size, any condition need emotionally, is the conviction that the man having sex with them finds them sexy and stimulating.  That is not something I can deliver upon, sadly, though I might be able to do so in another 10 or 20 years as I become 'acclimatized' to more mature women.

So there you go, J.  Not true of all the men out there, but certainly true of me.  The mature women who I find much more interesting than the younger ones would have to enter into a relationship with me without the sexual bonding that is so important to establishing the basis of a long-term relationship.  Not a great way to start out!

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