Monday, April 26, 2010

Instincts Shouldn't Have Anything to do With Dating!

Comment to a article by Ami Angelowicz: "Girl Talk: Where Have My Dating Instincts Gone?"
OK, I’m likely to take a thrashing from you lovely ladies, but in response to “Advice, anyone?” I have a question, Ami. Who ever told you that instincts had anything to do with dating? 
Instincts are important, they help us survive, like when you get attacked in a dark alley. They have a place in ‘going with your gut’ when in a Casino — but that’s about GAMBLING, casting your fate to chance.  
I’d suggest that you first heard this sage advice from your parents or grandparents. Times have changed. Back in their time, you married your first love (selected ‘by instinct’) and society put HEAVY pressure on you to stay that way.  
No one stays married today, we were never designed to. As a species we evolved to be serially monogamous, as I touched upon in “What You Want MOST in a Man is What You Need Least...”.

A relationship is like a business partnership, it lasts a long while, involves a lot of investment of time and money, and often involves serious responsibilities like kids and property ownership. You’d never hear any experienced business person tell you to select a strong business partner by ‘trusting your instincts’. You’d research and interview the candidates several times over time, getting to know them in different circumstances before making a call.

Seasoned veterans, if you told them the candidate put you off at your first meeting, would tell you to give him a chance (“He’s often nervous with new people”). They’d say “watch him cutting a deal, meet him a few times for coffee, invite him to a dinner party and watch him work a room.” They’d tell you to give the candidate a business problem to solve that is up his alley, then let him deliver a pitch a week later. After doing all that over a period of many weeks or months, THEN they’d tell you to trust your instincts before agreeing to a long-term commitment.

Treat dates like casual interviews, give him a second if you liked the first, but only trust your instincts after a few meet-ups. Too many women (and some men) expect far too much from a single meeting. Some of the best relationships started with getting to know the other person casually, over time. (That being said, if he grosses you out…)
What ever happened to double dating? Dating with 2 or 3 other couples for the first date reveals so much more about each other while taking so much of the pressure off. It also provides a chance to get others’ impressions afterwards.

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