Sunday, April 25, 2010

Do Girls Really Prefer Assholes? (And Are Those Guys REALLY Assholes?)

Interesting discussion on Reddit.com about this post: "Does anyone else think that the "Girls always go for assholes and not nice guys like me" sentiment is just a very bitter defence mechanism?" which I found because someone posted a link to my "300 Criteria for a Second Date? Need I Say More!" post.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s drawing of an asshole from "Breakfast of Champions":


My contribution to the conversation:
What a lot of this ignores is the percentage of guys (and gals) out there who score very low on the "EQ" (emotional quotient) scale = 'assholes' or 'bad boys'. They aren't intentionally mean spirited and self-centered, they're just wired that way. (I illustrated the phenomenon the post immediately below.) You can see evidence of the more or less 10-15% of the general population who fall into this category in the percentage of comments from them in this thread here on Reddit.com.

If you mix good looks with high IQ and low EQ, you get an asshole, a guy who uses his smarts and lack of shyness (i.e. not 'confidence', per se, but a lack of embarrassment) to learn over time what to say to seduce women with wit and flattery, have sex with them and then move on. These guys are often called "dangerous" and "dark and mysterious", while in reality a lot of them are just high-functioning autistics. 
The maternal and romantic side of most women provokes them to try to bring out the emotional side of these men with love and devotion. It will never work. There's a few of this type of guy who have commented in this thread saying they're quite successful with women, but have no desire to have long-term relationships (of course some have legitimate other reasons for not wanting them at the moment).

If you mix good looks with low IQ AND low EQ, you get the guys who have written inappropriate and totally insensitive sexual comments in this thread. They're not intentionally being inappropriate, their brains just can't distinguish the difference and their compulsions drive them to get a thrill out of posting a 'dirty' comment.

The female asshole equivalent, the BFH (Bitch From Hell), tells guys of every type to go to hell when they approach her, but sucks in a few select guys and uses them for company, sex and ego-boosting (and gifts), then dumps them unceremoniously for the next guy without a second thought. I dated one for almost a year once (Some of the best sex in my life!  Go figure...), only finding out later she had five (5!) other guys on the go during that time. She married the one with the richest daddy (who had very average IQ and low EQ -- not that she noticed or cared).

What's most telling in this discussion, I think, is that the crux is NOT that girls are or aren't attracted to assholes at clubs, bars and parties, where alcohol and hormones drive snap decision-making about having sex that same night, it is that they might go on a second and third date with the assholes, which introduces a very disturbing element into what women are setting themselves up for. Most women do not recognize the way they overlap 'bad boy' criteria with 'nice guy' criteria. They want the nice guy, but often dismiss them up-front because they don't have sufficient 'bad boy' characteristics to make them 'sexy' (read: 'confident' and 'mysterious').  (For more thoughts on the latter, read: "What You Want Most in a Man, You Need Least!")

Lori Gottlieb, the journalist who wrote "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough", points out that the average woman has 300 criteria for agreeing to a second date, while men have three. I wrote more about this phenomenon here: "300 Criteria for a Second Date! Need I Say More?".
The point that Gottlieb and I have been making is that, until women come to grips with what is driving their 'selection criteria' and separate their fantastical desires from their reality needs in their search for a relationship, ESPECIALLY in online dating, they're dooming themselves to frustration and failure.

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