Thursday, February 25, 2010

300 Criteria for a Second Date! Need I Say More?

There's a book that a great many women are saying this about:
"I haven't read the book and have no desire to, but here's what I think about it," the author said "You're reviewing a book you've never seen, but you hate it?"
In a CNN interview, the author had a few interesting things to say about women who think 'settling for good enough' in a potential date is capitulation, like throwing their life's entire purpose away:
"In fact, in the research it shows that people who have this have-it-all attitude are depressed."

"Nobody really has it all, but I think having what will make you happy is probably a much better way to approach life -- not just dating, but life."

"We should lower our expectations in the sense of, we have to realize nobody is perfect. If you have unrealistic expectations, it's going to be hard to find a real human being who can meet them. But lowering our standards? No."
"Talking to men was eye-opening. Men and women were asked, if they had any deal-breakers for going on a second date and the men named 3 deal-breakers: If she's cute enough, warm and kind and interesting enough to talk to. Men are not going, "Am I going to marry her?" Men are like, "Do I want to spend another two hours with her?"

CNN: "How did women respond?"

"Women named 300 things that would be deal-breakers for a second date. We're talking a second date, another two hours with the person. The thing is, there's no correlation between the guy who's the nervous first dater and the guy who's going to be the great life partner that you're going to fall in love with. The smooth, charming guy who sweeps you off your feet on that first date, there's not saying he's going to be a better life partner than the other guy."

"I've been intellectualizing myself out of meeting people, kind of sabotaging myself. I've made it so much harder for myself than it ever has to be."
 After you finish reading, click here to go to the CNN interview!
"Writing the book allowed me to realize that there are lots of different kinds of people I could fall in love with. A lot of us have trouble differentiating between the overall appeal versus the specific things that may not be so appealing. Don't stop looking for Mr. Right, look for the Mr. Right who's actually going to make you happy versus the guy who fits some fantasy that you have in your head."
Again, might be wrong-headed of me, but I'm curious to find out if, in talking about 'true love', 'love at first sight', 'I'll know him the moment our eyes meet', 'Mr. Right', do the same regions of women's brains that are associated with addiction 'light up'? There must be a grad student out there looking for a thesis topic!

I suspect, while some men's brains MIGHT do the same, the fixation so many women have with the Disney-fed fantasy (tough to let go when, as an child, you re-watched every 'princess' film 200 times!) is leading to a lot of missed opportunities, especially through online dating, because the latter encourages all the wrong behaviours ("Oh no, he says he likes Austin Powers!" Click DELETE!) and makes it so much more easy to feed the fantasy and build expectations, once a date is finally agreed to, to impossibly unrealistic heights.
300 criteria for a second date!  Need I say more?
And the majority of women she surveyed said that if a guy had 80% of those 300 criteria, they STILL would not agree to a second date (another 2 hours of their time and a free dinner).  
Girls, there is something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong with what is going on inside many of your heads!  (And the answer is here, in a link to my previous post about the addictive nature of romantic love. Link)

Here's the list the author of the book in question made BEFORE beginning to research the subject with other women in their 30's:
  1. Intelligent
  2. Kind
  3. Extremely funny
  4. Curious
  5. Loves kids
  6. Financially stable
  7. Emotionally stable
  8. Sexy
  9. Romantic
  10. Passionate
  11. Compassionate
  12. Irreverent
  13. Intuitive
  14. Generous
  15. Same religion but not too religious
  16. Optimistic but not naive
  17. Ambitious but not a workaholic
  18. Talented but humble
  19. Warm but not clingy
  20. Grounded but not boring
  21. Soulful but not new-agey
  22. Vulnerable but not weak
  23. Quirky but not weird
  24. Free-spirited but responsible
  25. Charismatic but genuine
  26. Strong but sensitive
  27. Athletic but not a sports nut
  28. Open-minded but has conviction
  29. Decisive but not bossy
  30. Mature but not old
  31. Creative but not an artist
  32. Supportive of my dreams and gaols
  33. Has a sense of wonderment about the world
  34. Is close to my age (shares my cultural references)
  35. Good listener and communicator
  36. Flexible and can compromise
  37. Sophisticated-well-educated, well-traveled, has been around
  38. Over 5'10' but under 6'0'
  39. Has a full head of hair(wavy and dark would be nice - no blonds)
  40. Has shared political views
  41. Has shared values
  42. Not into sci-fi or comic hooks
  43. Has good taste/sense of aesthetics
  44. Health-conscious and physically fit
  45. Cares about the community at large
  46. Cares about animals
  47. Competent
  48. Handy around the house
  49. Cooks
  50. Likes the outdoors (hiking, biking, rollerblading)
  51. Likes my friends (and I like his)
  52. Not moody
  53. Trustworthy
  54. Is a team player
  55. Is literary and enjoys wordplay
  56. is math- or science-oriented
  57. Likes discussing (but not arguing about) politics and world events
  58. Stylish
  59. Stimulating
  60. Not a slob-respectful of our living space
  61. Is madly in love with me 

Now don't get us wrong, girls!  Guys have similar list, we just don't believe Santa Claus will ever bring us a girl who has it all in equal measure, and we assume we can't ascertain whether any woman has many of these qualities until we've been dating, and likely eventually living common-law with them for 9-12 months straight.  We all have to start somewhere, and our simple 3 criteria for whether or not we are willing to spend another 2 hours in the company of this woman seem like the most open-minded, fair place to start!  Is she:
  1. Attractive enough?
  2. Sufficiently funny/interesting?
  3. Kind/good-natured?
The title of the book is "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" and the author is Lori Gottlieb, a 43-year-old single mother by choice.
Read the full text of the CNN article by clicking here: 'Marry Him' author answers outrage about 'settling'. For a real life example of this female phenomenon in action, see the second post below about a recent date I went on.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent discussion on something all of us women are always debating.




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